Beetlejuice flew out to California with me this weekend for a few shows. He was in a real good mood; telling me how he just fucked three Go-Go dancers and fingered their butts. That’s a pretty standard day for him. We left from JFK and of course they stuck us in the emergency exit row. The Flight Attendant asked if we’d be able to help in case of an emergency. We’re duty bound because of the seats so we both answer “yes” but this lady asks Beetle a second time. “What is this bitch deaf?” I said yes and we were off to LA!
Coy, the promoter, met us when we landed. He had a camera crew following him around. Film school rejects running around with cameras and microphones making a documentary about some shit. It’s not bad enough these Michael Moore wanna-bes have their cameras in my grill - we’ve all gotta squeeze inside the same sweltering hot van together. It smelled like a lemons cunt, it was unbearable.
While I’m fighting with them for leg room the driver gets a call from his mother to go pick up their cancer ridden cat from the vet. I was like, “Are you kidding me? How old is this god damn cat?” Driver says 13 going on forever. I tell him for thirty bucks he could adopt a cat that wasn’t bald from all the kemo. Beetle starts going crazy when he hears about the cat. He’s screaming that if a cat gets in the van he’ll cut it’s head off and eat it.
We got him some Chinese food instead.
After checking into the hotel it was time for the show. I MCed and the Bleeding Deacons opened for us. The fans were fun and we got to hang some with Rudy Sarso (The bass player from Ozzy), Dio (you oughta know), Quiet Riot and their wives. Mary Jo Buttafucco and her kids came down too, they’re great people. She told me she’s gonna write a book. I say good for her, she should and let thee world know what a scumbag Joey was.
All this socializing I never bothered to check up on Beetle. Little bastard got into the booze again and someone wound up chasing him through the crowd. He stopped dead in his tracks, spun around and yelled at me, “Dude, I’m gonna knock you the fuck out!” And we were off to San Diego.
Not as many friends in SD so we made new ones. Two drunk whores, a real pair of wet messes, asked to suck my dick. I told them that’s not really my thing anymore and unloaded them on the bouncer. The girls got all pissy about it so they tossed them out on their busted assholes.
Getting out of California was harder than getting in. Next morning everyone’s hung over and I’m trying to get us out the door to make our flight but I lost Beetle. I’m yelling at the manager, he’s yelling at me and the other guests are yelling at us because Beetle is lost in the hotel gym screaming at the top of his lungs, “Where the fuck are you?” Meanwhile, the sheik is yelling at the cab driver who came to pick us up cause it’s a flat fee to the airport.
They looked like they might be from the same tribe so I figure the Sheik wanted a discount.
See ya all next week, I’m off to Florida with my girl. I’ll be in Boca Raton at the New York Comedy Club Fri and Sat. All the information is on my site.
Tip of The Week - Chicks might only talk to you at bars for the free drink. Wait till they’re done the drink they’re working on and then walk to the bathroom and wait there until they buy they’re own. If she does you owe her one. If not, she wasn’t going to fuck you anyway.
-Reverend Bob Levy
You can get more of the Rev Bob every Sunday night at 7:00 pm on his radio show Miserable Men, Sirius Satellite Radio - Howard 101.
Original Post from HotMovies the Blog