9. Chuck Norris' nationality is Chuck Norris.
8. Chuck Norris is bi-sexual. He doesn't like dudes or anything, he just counts as a third gender.
7. Chuck Norris is not a sports fan. Sports is a Chuck Norris fan.
6. Chuck Norris is so intense, heroin made him hyper.
5. Chuck Norris modeled his entire fighting style after Chuck Norris.
4. There are now festivals where bands gather to see Chuck Norris.
3. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he nursed his mother.
2. Chuck Norris doesn't have to try to come up with Chuck Norris jokes, he instead forces idiots on the web to do so.
1. When Chuck Norris' wife ruined dinner, he kicked her in the face.
When it started I was supposed to fly to Vegas on my own dime for the AVN Awards but thanks to Howard 100 News Staff and the interview they did with me Vivid is going to fit the bill. The owner heard about the whole sorry situation and said it was ridiculous. He insisted on getting me flown out there since I am up for 2 awards under his studio.
Now, just as things start to go my way my ex-wife and my girlfriend teamed up against me. I was talking to Christine on the phone and the ex-wife heard me going off on her a little so she came down yelling. Now I’m getting it in both ears like a Thai School Girl and Chrissy says, “Put her on.” I was like oh shit here we go but they were actually civil for like an hour and a half - making peace on the only thing they can get together on: making me miserable.
All this really drives the point home that I’m stuck in my ex’s basement. She says I can leave anytime I want and get a place with her new best-fucking-friend; my girlfriend, but she needs $3,900 a month to survive… ouch. Well, we have a kid so I would never do anything that would affect him badly. I told her; if she’s so eager to get rid of me she should get a job but she went off on me. “I’m used to a certain lifestyle” Yeah so am I; living in the fucking basement with the rest of the useless molds and fungi.
I can’t fucking win.
So I bailed for the only place worse than the rest of my life; Cleveland. I met Mike Morse, Scott the Engineer and Artie Lange there for breakfast before a fun, Friday Night gig… yeah right.
They stuck me in a big red limo and drove me around that armpit city until we found a hotel with just the right amount of cock roaches. Saw some fans, took some pics and we relaxed for a while. Christine came out for this one too, we hung out for a minute before heading over to the theater, which was actually a really nice venue.
I saw the crowd coming in and most of the people were cool but some of these people were super fucked up and drunk already. They make these shows into a tailgating party, I can respect that. I had a bad feeling about this night since they had all these old ladies in red jackets seating people. I knew they had no clue what they were in for. The crowd was drunk and just yelling stupid shit - being loud just to be noticed - ruined the show.
Hey, dip shits, no one put out for the two drink minimum to hear you slur something about shit and tits. That’s what I’m here for.
Fuck you, Cleveland.
Next morning when my girlfriend and I were checking out there were fans from the show from Canada, Upstate NY and Detroit and they were like we loved the show even with those assholes in the crowd. They wondered why the people from Cleveland were so angry and I said just look around. I mean, Cleveland’s so bad it makes me feel better about my own life.
Before we could skip out of that toothless town Christine bought me an early Christmas Present, leather jacket - I love it - I think she just wanted to clean me up a little. See her parents are out there and I was going to meet them for the first time. I got nervous all of a sudden and threw up on myself - hahaha - I’m such a cunt.
Now I’m back in this freezing, cold basement writing for you fuckers and cutting checks to my ex. I’m dreaming of warm sunny days in Vegas, surrounded by porn stars and liquor. I should start working on my acceptance speech…
“Thanks for jerking off to a movie with my face on the cover.”
Tip Of The Week- Fuck Cleveland.
-The Reverend Bob Levy
You can get more of the Rev Bob every Sunday night at 7:00 pm on his radio show Miserable Men, Sirius Satellite Radio - Howard 101.1.Original Post from HotMovies the Blog
- ► 2011 (117)
- ► 2010 (133)
- ► 2009 (149)
- ► 2008 (1185)
- ▼ 12/09 - 12/16 (8)
- A Cat's Thoughts (17)
- A Dog's Thoughts (21)
- Adam Schleichkorn (660)
- Barry the Dog (78)
- Dan Taft (77)
- DT (44)
- Galz (70)
- Galz Breaks Records (47)
- Garrett Steinger (32)
- Hidden Track TV (602)
- James Catusco (50)
- Larry the Lizard (8)
- Lulu the Cat (18)
- Music (465)
- Mylo the Cat (225)
- Peter Toh (100)
- Press (21)
- Random Web Stuff (485)
- Station Softball Reality Show (25)
- Videos (1505)
- Worst Basketball Player Ever Series (37)