Heeeyyyyy, what’s up people? Long time no talky. I was away on one of my many adventures this past week or two, so forgive me for not writing many articles. Rest assured that I am back on track, and new articles with zany and brilliant topics are on the way for your enjoyment. In today’s installation, I will list the top 10 comic book movies ever made. With “The Dark Knight” coming out soon, I feel this is a good time to bestow this knowledge upon you, my loyal serfs. So without further discussion and a-doody:
10. X-Men - Now might be a good time to mention I never actually read any comic books. Only nerds, like you nerds, read these things. However, I damn sure know a quality movie when I sees it. X-Men was good. That wolfie guy with the claws was scary yet ever so gentle. And who doesn’t like the purple hot chick? Am I right? Huh? Am I?
9. Spiderman - From the guy who Dr. Gonzo and Mr. Raul Duke traumatized to a bad ass super hero Rico Suave type, Tobey Mac sure has made some progress. This was a cool movie because it’s real. And I believe Willem Dafoe was the mastermind villain behind the schemes; you da man Dafoe!
8. Hulk - Oh, I must not know what I’m talking about to list this here! This film didn’t conform to the typical comic book structure! Ang Lee used imagery to conjure up contrast between the hideous monster and the beauty of nature- we don’t understand symbolism and this movie made us feel sad! Well too bad, losers… Yes, Hulk wasn’t the typical comic book movie, and yes, Ang Lee decided to show the darker side of the character and his emotional trauma ties to his lovers and family members- that’s life, buddy. Deal with it; not everything is peaches and cream and cinnamon and gravy. By the way, I haven’t seen the new Hulk movie so I can’t list it. I would say I’m sorry but I’m not.
7. Batman Begins - This was a great flick. Christian Bale is always great, and who doesn’t love Liam Neeson? Not to mention Gary Oldman, one of the greatest actors EVER, plays Lieutenant Jim Gordon as he was meant to be played. This film has it all, except, wait a minute, something isn’t right… Oh Zorgo, Katie Fucking Holmes? Horrible, horrible actress, who was completely horrible in every scene in which she appears in this movie. Some troglodytes will try to argue that this is the best Batman movie. Wrong! Sorry folks, but if Katie Holmes had been kicked out of the audition and they cast, let’s say, Christina Ricci instead, you may have had a case. As it stands, however, your argument is unfounded and will be dismissed by me.
6. Sin City - Since I don’t read comic books, this movie confused me greatly at times. It did, however, feature a serious cast and was shot with some style. Very cool movie, and the sequel is coming out very soon.
5. Iron Man - This one kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I just saw it about a week ago, and I ate 4 Reeces Peanut Butter Cups (best candy ever, and good idea for a new top 10 list!) as well as a big bag of buttered popcorn and a large soda. It was a good night. Robert Downy Junior looks like he’s not gonna be around for too much longer, but the guy can flat out act. Terrence Howard was solid, The Dude was a very believable bad guy, and I always appreciate the acting prowess of the lovely Gwyneth Paltrow. All around quality with some great, not too CGI-y special effects made Iron Man a very enjoyable experience.
4. Batman Returns - Tim Burton should have been put in charge of all the Batman movies and we wouldn’t have had those 2 or 3 crap-fests that came after this one. Danny DeVito was a great Penguin, and I just love the scene where he bites that snobby guy’s nose- classic. I love Christian Bale, but Michale Keaton was the best Bruce Wayne and Batman ever, bar none. Plus this flick featured the man, Chris Walken, as the evil and very slimy Max Shreck.
3. Dick Tracy - When I was little and I saw Dick Tracy, I didn’t like it. My mid was that of a child’s, similar to that of today’s adult, and I didn’t fully grasp what the director was doing and the idea behind the scenery and cinematography. Once I saw it as an adult, however, I realized just how great this movie actually is. Al Pacino as Alphonse "Big Boy" Caprice makes this flick the number 3 greatest comic book movie ever.
2. V For Vendetta - Great plot, great acting; not much else I need to say. I didn’t even know this was a comic book until recently, but the film stands on it’s own- Natalie Portman’s solid acting and tight little posterior don’t hurt either.
1. Batman - Tim Burton, Jack Nicholson, Michael Keaton. I think the Dark Knight will be great, but if it surpasses the original I will be flabbergasted. That’s alls I gots to say about that playa.
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