Okay, here are the rules: First off, to be listed among my top 10 crappiest movies evers the movie must be one that I’ve seen (and remember seeing), and second, these movies are going to be pretty recent, because there is a certain cut-off point where movies become dated, and then it is too easy to say they suck (example: “How Green Was My Valley”). Finally, I will list some terrible, terrible movies here (all of them are terrible), but I particularly like to point out some movies that for some reason were perceived as good, when, in fact, they are very, very crappy. By the way, I segway into my lists with “without further ado,” which Schleichkorn is seemingly trying to steal. My bit, pal-o:
10. Hostel - I rented this movie a few years back because Quentin Tarrentino’s name was tied to it, and I trusted him. Little did I know he really had pretty much nothing to do with this movie. Eli Roth is an idiot, and this is one of the worst horror movies, which is already a weak genre, ever! Any movie where you are waiting for the protagonists to die because they are such horrible actors isn’t good (see “Jersey Girl”- so long, Lopez!)
9. Charlie’s Angels 2 - I went on a date with a really hot Argentinian girl to this movie. The movie was horrible, and I fucked up everything with that girl and never got anywhere. I blame this movie. I barely remember it, except for the fact that it was completely horrid. 2 hot actresses and Drew Berrymore and I still couldn’t bare to watch.
8. Get Rich or Die Trying - I wish he would’ve just died trying. You’re a shitty rapper, and you’re a worse actor. How original- a movie about a “hustler” who wants to rap; this guy really has range. Please no more rappers in movies unless their name is Mos Def or the Fresh Prince.
7. Napoleon Dynamite - Everyone loved this piece of shit movie. This would have been good as a 3 minute sketch, but as a 2 hour movie it blew chunks. If the movie had just been Uncle Rico castaway on a deserted island talking to his football, it would have been much better. Weak plot, stupid and unfunny jokes, and a theatre full of people with 74 IQs laughing their ass off. I’ve never walked out on a movie but I came really close here. I smoked many weeds before seeing this and it still didn’t make me laugh, which says a lot.
6. Formula 51 - Samuel L. Jackson is evil. He could be a good actor, but he decided about 11 years ago that he didn’t want to be. Snakes On a Plane was certainly crappy, but I think they at least knew it was crappy. Formula 51, on the other hand, was supposed to be good. It wasn’t. Even Meatloaf couldn’t save this movie, and he’s one of the finest thespians of all time, people.
5. Magnolia - I think critics actually thought this was a great movie, which tells me they’re almost as stupid as the general public. Trying to be smart and being smart are two very different things. What’s the point of this garbage? These people are connected? Great theme, guys. How about coming up with a cohesive story structure that makes me care. Oh yeah, please don’t make horrible, horrible movies 3 or 4 hours long. Thanks.
4. Van Wylder - Ryan Reynolds isn’t funny. This movie isn’t funny. None of his movies are funny. But this one is the worst of them all. Clearly written by someone who has no true understanding of comedy, the script reads like a third grader’s school project. If you are over the age of 8 and thought this was a good movie, please feel free to be ashamed of yourself. You aren’t very smart, are you?
3. Employee of The Month - Not the one with Matt Dillon, which was actually decent, but the stupid fucking movie with Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. Dane Cook is funny on stage, but not on the silver screen. Every movie he’s been in is trash. This, however, borders on unwatchable. Do yourself a favor and never, ever see this movie.
2. Hotel - Who doesn’t hate David Schwimmer? This movie had him, Salma Hayek, Lucy Liu, and fuckin’ John Malkovich, who must have been smoking crack to agree to be in this, and, oh yeah, Burt Reynold’s crazy old ass. This film makes very little sense (which is okay and appreciated if you’re David Lynch, but no one else), and is just overall one of the 2 worst movies I’ve ever been forced to sit through. Why, oh why, God, did you allow this movie to happen? Please strike down Ross now, God, before he does this again.
1. 13 Seconds - Nobody will know what movie this is, and that’s probably best for the human race and our survival. My moron friend, who I’ll just call Chris Garcia, recommended this movie to me. I later found out he gave me the wrong name of the film, and I actually rented this, and watched it, and then had to spend 4 weeks in the psychiatric ward under constant supervision to make sure I wasn’t going to go on a homicidal, suicidal (Sabu muthafucka) rampage. Too bad for society that I did go on that very rampage soon after my release. Seriously folks, if you want to see the worst movie ever made by man, rent 13 seconds. You will be appalled, I promise.
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