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Top 14 Seinfeld Characters of All Time, But Particularly Of the Time Between 1989 and 1998

Dan Taft Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I know, I know. What the hell is going on here with a Top 14 list? Well, Seinfeld is a show where it is genuinely difficult to limit the great characters to only 10. And I know, all of my lists that have been top 10s excluded many great things of those corresponding genres which could have, and in your measly opinion, should have been included in a top 14 type list. Why couldn’t I expand my previous lists to include additional worthy participants? Hmmmm? Because I didn’t feel like it until just now, so deal with it, buddy.

14. Jackie Chiles - Why did Kramer put the balm on? Did Jacky tell him to put the balm on? No, he certainly did not. Great moment in either the second to last or the final episode when Jackie is in bed with Terri Hatcher, banging out Jerry’s old girl while he’s about to be imprisoned. Classic.

13. Elaine - She pushes her friends very hard when excited, and she’s extremely hot when hosed down by a local shop owner. Elaine can’t dance for shit but she can write the hell out of a clothing ad. Jerry should have never let her slip through his fingers.

12. Bania - Bania is an extremely annoying, crappy comedian who hounds Jerry for what he perceives as his unused jokes. Coined the term “That’s gold!” and also has been working out and is now huge.

11. David Puddy - Puddy is a germaphobe. He wears a chain around his neck with a tiny medallion. It’s a germ. He loves the New Jersey Devils and it was absolutely great when he tried to screw Jerry while selling him a car because he was mad at Elaine. Their whole relationship was hilarious on every level.

10. Mr. Pitt - Creator of Moland Spring water, Mr. Pitt hates when socks aren’t elastic enough and he hired Elaine on a whim because he thought she looked like Jackie O. Elaine had some great bosses, but none that controlled her life with as tight a grip as Mr. Pitt.

9. Jerry - Great in his own right, yet he is far from the best character on his own show. A little too jokey at times, but, then again, he is a comedian. Great episode when George made Jerry be serious so his girlfriend wouldn’t think Jerry was too funny and like him better than George.

8. J. Peterman - Awesome voice and awesome character. The best is when Peterman is writing his memoirs and he tells Elaine to feel free to throw herself into the mix regarding his sexual liaisons. Also love it when he thinks Elaine is on Opium and he slams Kramer with the office door.

7. George Steinbrenner - Larry David is obviously one of my heroes. Making Steinbrenner into this laughable kook who doesn’t know his ass from his elbow, and yet is still quick enough to point out George’s inclination for “empty calories and male curiosity” is pure genius.

6. Kramer - The show would have not been the same without him. He’s got the kvorka for sure. From swimming in the East River to turning his apartment into a late night show, Kramer was the main source of a lot of the comedy oozing out of Seinfeld. Too bad this is the last good gig Michael Richards will ever get.

5. Morty Seinfeld - The old Jewish Papa down in Florida, Morty was once a great businessman who now cannot get through a meeting if it’s after 2 P.M. Loves to receive gifts that fall off the back of trucks.

4. George - Any character modeled after Larry David himself is already ahead of the competition. Jason Alexander really learned how to play this self-loathing, insecure character to perfection over the years. He started the character as a cheap Woody Allen impersonator, and evolved into one of the greatest sitcom characters ever. Horrible actor in pretty much everything else he attempts to do, though.

3. Newman - The Lex Luther to Jerry’s Superman, Newman began as just Larry David’s voice, looking to hurl himself off the top of their apartment building. But he became so much more- Newman is pure evil, and I love every minute that he appears on set.

2. Uncle Leo - Grimy, slimy, and just overall disgusting, Uncle Leo is an unparalleled character who is underhanded at all times. He loves to pull Jerry in close by his arm and speak way too closely to him, and he will never admit to any wrong doing. Everyone has someone in their family like Uncle Leo- you can’t stand him but you have to appreciate the extremity of his character.

1. Frank Costanza - Creator of the holiday “Festivus”, Frank once had an affair with a fat Korean lady whose father was quoted as saying about Frank, but in Korean as Frank translates: “This guy, this is not my kind of guy.” Priceless.

8 comments:

Sethod Man said...

What about Estelle Costanza? She should be included at number 1 with Frank, and you should get your head out of your ass, brother.

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