I’ve read a couple of books in my time here on Earth. As everyone knows, the movie is always better than the book, but, hey, what can you do? Anyways, here, in order, I am listing for the benefit of your measly existence, the top 10 books ever written by humans:
10. Pillars Of The Earth - Known to some as The Greatest Story Ever Told, Pillars of the Earth is a book that will really make you think about all of the things you could have done better. You’ve been a big disappointment, kiddo.
9. Castro Cooks Cuban - Before becoming a somewhat ruthless dictator, Fidel Castro wrote a series of delightful cook books covering everything from rice and beans to arroz y frijoles. Not many people know about the lighter side of Fidel, but he really showed the world what a friendly host and 4 star entertainer he had the potential to be with this must have cooking classic.
8. The DaVinci Code - Unlike the Bible, which is just a story that some kook came up with and claimed was historically accurate, The DaVinci Code is actually based on historical facts and figures. The book has spurned an entire religion which has recruited everyone from African Tribes to Native Americans deep in the heart of the Amazon. In fact, if it wasn’t for the DaVinci Code, some of these tribes would still be foolishly worshipping their own tribal Gods and would certainly be on course for a one way ticket to hell. Thank God, thank Her so much, for sending out all of the missionaries with their copies of the DaVinci Code to save these heathen tribesmen from their evil, Pagan-like cultures.
7. Jake And Tony’s Erotic Adventures - Nothing will get your loins warmer than a good romance novel. As the story begins, Jake and Tony realize that as hard as they try, they just can’t quit each other. Slowly, they are forced to face the harsh realities of being a gay couple living in a retirement home while trying to raise an adopted Asian boy. Their struggles, their triumphs, and their tragic, untimely deaths at the ripe young age of 74 (sorry, I think I just ruined the ending for you), really stir the emotions. Might want to keep an ice pack on the lap for this one folks.
6. The Brothers Karamazov - Dostoevsky is arguably the greatest writer ever. This book, which challenges the basic framework of family and faith, is another brilliant work produced by one of Russia’s greatest minds. Alyosha’s internal struggles are one of the things that makes this novel so great, and the characters in general are just timeless and unforgettable. Do your pathetic brain a favor and attempt to read and understand this novel the way my superior mind has done.
5. How To Kill A Cracker in Under A Minute - Hailed by some critics as the best instructional book ever written, How To Kill a Cracker in Under a Minute has also stirred up a good bit of controversy. For example, many people believe that it takes at least 64 seconds to kill anyone, even crackers, without some sort of firearm. Regardless, the profound message that renowned author Leroy Jenkins was trying to convey with this fine piece of literature is simply this: If you have an extra minute, then you have the time to take a cracker out.
4. Hazel’s Guide To Everything Jewish - If your going to the Jewland area on vacation, then this is a must read. Hazel, along with her trusty assistant, Ethel, have really done a great job of outlining pretty much everything under the sun that can be considered Jewish. From Matzoh Ball Soup to tiny penises, they cover it all. As Hazel says on the first page of the guide, don’t trust some Shiksa, trust Hazel.
3. The Life and Times of Dan Taft - A great all around read, this compilation biography, written over many years by various award winning authors, takes you through the ups and downs of a unique life that has changed the world we live in today. Take a ride on the Taft express and learn how to really live your life like every moment is your last. From harrowing gun fights in the streets of Huntington to red carpet premiers, The Life and Times of Dan Taft is a barn-burner of a book that will have your head spinning right round.
2. The Count of Monte Cristo - A page turning classic, Monte Cristo is a revenge book that will make you personally want to murder everyone in the book whose name isn’t The Count of Monte Cristo (except for Edward). If you read this, then the Brothers Karamazov, and then Castro Cooks Cuban you will instantly be a more intelligent and slightly more tolerable person.
1. Porno - Best sequel ever written, Porno follows up where Trainspotting leaves off, and Irvine Welsh and his boys don’t miss a beat. Best book I’ve ever read once you can deal with the vernacular, ya ken. Porno is the shit, and if you think otherwise, then Begby will beat you like you tried to shit on Rod Stewart.
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