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Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Work a Corporate Job

Dan Taft Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I despise working. At least for someone else. You know who I work for? Me, that’s who. Now, without further chitter chatter, here are the top 10 reasons why you should never, ever, work for an evil corporation:

10. They’re Evil - They will suck the life out of you, pay you very little in comparison to what they are making, and then fire you whenever they feel like it. Come to think of it, that’s what I’ll do to you if you ever come work for me, too. So watch out, mo-fuckas!

9. Cubicles - I refuse to work in a little box. Where’s the window in these places? One of the most degrading structures ever created, the cubicle could drive even the strongest mind, such as mine, completely insane in under 3 minutes. Don’t believe me? Well, fuck you, buddy.

8. Alarm Clocks - Man was not supposed to wake up to these noises. In fact, man was not made to have a set time to wake up. Unless you are living off the land and falling asleep at dusk and waking at dawn, you do not need to be on a schedule. Unless, of course, you work for me. Then your ass better be at work by 6 A.M., or you’re fiyad.

7. Lunch Breaks - This should not be the highlight of your day. Having sex with some random human should be the highlight of your day. I eat lunch, and I like it, but I’m not spending all morning thinking about it. I’m spending all morning in bed, with my little doggie and my happy dreams.

6. Working From Home is Betta - I wake up when I want, I eat when I want, I pet my little pup when I want, and I crap when I want. I also go to the gym when I feel like it, and I attempt to have sex with my girlfriend here and there. In between all of these activities, I work; but only when I want. I don’t listen to some fat American guy with no hair and a bad suit displacing all of his anger and frustration on me. That’s your job, dingus.

5. Taxes - When you work fo’ yo’ self, you can be writin’ shit off, whereas when working for an evil corporation, like Geico, they decide how much taxes you pay. And it’s a lot. Sorry, but I don’t want to foot the entire Bush Coke party bill. It’s an expensive one, trust me.

4. Don’t Be Late - I’m never on time. FOR ANYTHING. You have to wait for me. Sorry if that sounds inconsiderate, but it’s how I live my life, baby. In the fast lane. Except when I have to be somewhere, in which case I typically drive in the slow lane.

3. The Customer Is Always Right - This is true when I’m the customer. However, when you’re the customer, you’re just wrong. And unintelligent and ignorant. So don’t tell me what to do, because I will just hang up on you, sir.

2. No Creativity Allowed - You will be trained to conform. You will not question authority. You can’t even jerk off in the bathrooms at some of these places. Other places, like airports, encourage that sort of thing.

1. Be Your Own Boss - You were a kid for 18 years, for Zorgo’s sake; it’s time to grow up. Grab your coin purse and take control of your life, for once. If you need advice, just email me, and I’ll get back to you sometime between my sleeping, eating, puppy petting, crapping, exercising, and pathetic attempts at initiating sex activities.


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