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Top 10 Worst Actors Bar None (plus 1)

Dan Taft Monday, June 2, 2008
There are several criteria that go along with this list. Not just any actor or actress can be considered one of the worst. Por ejemplo, Paris Hilton is certainly garbage at everything she does, but she doesn’t even deserve to be considered an actress to make this list. And while we’re on the topic, there will be no crappy teeny bopper actors or actresses on this list, because I refuse to watch their crappy movies and therefore do not fully appreciate the entire scope of their crappiness. So, without further a-you know, here are the top 10 (plus 1) worst actors bar none:

11. Nicholas Cage - Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand Nicholas Cage, but only sometimes. He has no range, but what he does do well is play a giant pussy. Because of this, there are some movies he has starred in that are actually very good, including, but not limited to: “Wild at Heart,” “Matchstick Men,” “Leaving Las Vegas,” “Moonstruck,” and “Adaptation.” However, when I see a movie like “Lord of War,” or “Ghostrider,” or “Next,” or any of the other 326 horrible movies he has attempted to make, I realize just how shitty he really is. Please don’t try to act, Cage, because you can’t. When he tries to have any accent, it’s just sad. He sounded like a bad 20’s gangster impersonator with a slight Boston accent when he was in the 9/11 movie- why didn’t they just cast someone who could pull off a New York accent? Also, why do people cast him as a sort of young, bad ass action hero, like in “Ghostrider,” when he’s just a big old pussy. We all know he’s a big old pussy who can’t act, so just make the guy play parts where he’s an old ass pussy. Then I can suspend my disbelief for 90 minutes.

10. George Clooney - This is a guy who probably never should have made it off the set of “Roseanne.” That was his comfort zone. He can only play one type of character, and I can’t even really describe what that is. He’s usually the worst actor in whichever movie he’s in, and the majority of the movies he is in aren’t very good to begin with. The “Ocean’s Eleven” remake was decent, and “Michael Clayton” wasn’t bad, but pretty much everything else he does is gargamel. And he does it all exactly the same way in each flick. Boooooooo.

9. Gregory Peck - A throwback shitty actor in the mold of a Charlton Heston type, Gregory Peck tried to singlehandedly ruin every film he’s ever been in. And he’s come very close several times. “The Omen” is still a classic despite his best efforts to make it suck, and although I’m not a huge fan, he wasn’t able to effectively ruin “Rosemary’s Baby” either. We all understand he’s from that old school thespian squad that Heston was created by as well, but maybe that old school thespian shit wasn’t the best method of acting. The bellowing stage voice isn’t really necessary in film, and perhaps once in a while you could attempt to act slightly differently then you did in your last bad movie. Thanks Pecker.

8. Ben Assfleck - I still love “Mallrats” and I like his little appearances in “Jay and Slient Bob Strike Back,” and “Good Will Hunting” is a good flick, even though we all know who did all the work on that one, but really, truly, Assfleck is terrible. He has starred in countless horrid movies that I refuse to ever see, and that’s just how it’s going to be in my world. No Assfleck films, please, ever. Just stick to doing something else you’re good at, like fucking women in uncomfortable places, such as the back of a Volkswagon or in the assholio.

7. Jay Szy - Otherwise known as the Number One Fronta, Jay Szy is a piss poor actor from the “No Title” compilation movies, often appearing as a clueless friend who requires 29 takes to get 7 words out of his mouth. Just keep drinkin’ Jay and your acting will surely improve.

6. J-Lo - Every time she dies in the movie, it instantly gets a little bit better. She can’t sing, she really can’t act, but she is hot. Or at least she was. Didn’t she squeeze out a couple of pups recently? Taco flavored kisses for my Ben…

5. Ryan Reynolds - Each and every one of his movies is bad and very unfunny. There was actually one that was decent, but I can’t remember what it was and I’m ashamed to even admit that I wrote that right now. What’s wrong with me? (It was that “Just Friends” movie; a big tub of Ben & Jerry’s and that flick and I can just laugh and cry all my troubles away, nah mean girlfriend?)

4. Vin Diesel - Borderline doesn’t deserve to be here because of my initial criteria, but he gets on here anyway. Only decent movie he’s been in was “Boiler Room,” and he wasn’t the reason that movie was alright. The Fast and Furious movies suck, the Triple X movies suck, and everything else he’s done sucks. Where’s the Hulkster when you need him?

3. Rappers - Aside from Mos Def and Tupac, rappers can’t act. To be fair, most Rock Stars make crappy actors as well (not you Bowie), but for some reason it seems rappers are in a lot more movies. And those movies are bad. If you have no range, no talent, and are in movies acting exactly as you would in your everyday life, that’s not acting. Just ask Laurence Fishburne what he thinks about these talentless hacks stinking up the silver screen. I’ll tell you what he thinks- he thinks what I think! They suck! (Except for my man Mighty Mos’ and the Late, Great 2-Pack). Stay out of Fishburne’s shot, 4 Bits!

2. Keanu Reeves - Okay, he’s been in some good movies too, but I don’t understand how or why. I won’t list the ones I like here, but I will say that as good as “The Matrix” was, the sequels sucked and Keanu sucked and he always kind of sucks. He can play one role: dumb surfer guy. And he plays that role in every movie he’s in no matter what the character is supposed to be. Example (and some of these he is supposed to kind of be a dumb surfer guy but some he is not): “Point Break” (good flick), “The Matrices,” “Parenthood,” “Constantine” (horrible), “Johnny Mnemonic” (horrid), “Speed 1,2,3,4, and 5-12,” and “Dracula” in which Gary Oldman is brilliant and Keanu is just pathetic. You suck Keanu, but I might still be interested in seeing some of your movies which may be good even though you suck so hard (note the latent homosexuality).

1. Kevin Costner - WINNA! When I was a wee laddie, I saw “Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves,” and I thought it was the Bees’ Knees. Well lo and behold, I saw that movie at around age 20 and realized something. The story of Robin Hood takes place during the time of the Crusades in England. I believe this was well before America was even “re-discovered” by whitey. Therefore, all characters, at least the English ones, have English accents, which makes a lot of sense. Azeem, portrayed by the man, Mr. Morgan Freeman, has a sort of African accent, as he plays an African character. Even Christian Slater pulls off the English accent in this movie. And then there’s Robin Hood- the big star. Only Robin Hood sounds like a guy from Ohio. Why, oh why-o do I hear Ohio? Because Kevin Costner can’t fucking act! He tried to Gregory Peck this flick, and he may have succeeded. There are no English dark age people with Mid American accents. This makes less sense than Chewbacca living on Endor! This guy has made too many bad flicks to list. And yes, he’s in a couple of good movies, but if you pay close attention (doesn’t even have to be that close), you’ll realize he’s the worst actor in those movies as well. How KC keeps getting work is beyond me- he’s terrible, and you, reader, are terrible for liking this guy. Shame on you.


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