I know my lists are a bit different than what you might list in your own top 10s. That’s ok; it’s just that I’m savvier than the average person and sometimes, oh sometimes, it takes genius to recognize genius. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.
So here we go again- you can disagree all you want, but, as usual, I’m right. Before we begin, I am going to preface my list by stating I love “House of 1000 Corpses” and “Devil’s Rejects,” but those films are kind of tongue in cheek to me, so I didn’t include them here. I do consider them arguably the best film and sequel combo I’ve ever seen (I don’t include the Godfather movies or original Star Wars in that category as they are part of a trilogy). I also excluded “Jaws,” and “Night of The Living Dead,” both great horror films in their own right. Sorry people, but you have to make cuts when making a top 10 list.
One more little side note as well- this is a list of the top 10 scariest films of all time- not the top 10 best horror films; keep that in mind.
10. The Blair Witch Project - If you thought this was a real documentary or something, I’m sorry. Since my parents weren’t each other’s siblings, I may have had a leg up on understanding this was just a movie, like any other movie. But it was genuinely scary. I particularly loved when the film ended and everyone in the audience was mad because they didn’t git to see the witch. Grow up people.
9. The Omen - Although Gregory Peck tried his hardest to ruin this movie with his 1940’s thespian ways, it was still really cool and frightening. The scene where the nanny hangs herself off the roof at Damien’s birthday party is fucking creepy. Warning: All sequels and remakes of this film are straight garbage my friend.
8. May - I know you’ve never seen or heard of this film. That’s ok- it is a creepy little diddy that is a bit of an unknown; watch it with your girlfriend and try to deeply think about how well you really know her. Buhahahahahahahahaha.
7. Alien - I don’t think this was necessarily supposed to be a horror movie; but it scared the shit out of a whole lot of people. This film will make you jump out of your skin about 30 times; the sequels were good as well, until Alien took that script to fight predator. I mean, I know you need work Alien, but, c’mon.
6. Psycho - This might actually be the best horror film of all time. Hitchcock may be my favorite director, and this one has everything I love about him. His use of light and shadow, camerawork, timing, and audio all create some of the most genuinely frightening scenes ever filmed. Everyone has seen the shower scene about 100 times by now, but if you lived in that era, like I did, and saw that film in the theatre, like me, you would have been pretty scared, kid.
5. The Exorcist - When that little broad crab walks down the stairs, I almost pissed my nighty. Every time I stab my vagina I can’t help but think about the effect this film has had on my life.
4. The Shining - I think I once mentioned that I walked into the “Jack in the maze yelling for Danny” scene while tripping scrote; that really traumatized me. It was around the same time I watched “The Wall” on mushrooms, which was also a horrifying experience. Jack Nicholson is one of my favorite actors, and although Stephen King is a no-good dirty townie who writes like a fourth grader, The Shining is simply one of the best and scariest movies ever.
3. Inland Empire - Don’t even watch this film unless you know who David Lynch is and you absolutely love him. It barely makes sense, it’s about 3 and a half hours long, and I would watch it about 4 times in a row if I could. Lynch is the man to very few, and I am one of them. This film is a nightmare, literally, and Laura Dern put in one of the best performances I have ever witnessed. There are 2 or 3 scenes in this movie that will bother you for at least a week, because no one understands how to create a genuinely frightening scene like David Lynch. He is the master- recognize.
2. Jacob’s Ladder - Just want to mention that these top 3 films I’m listing are really the only ones with scenes that are so great and truly frightening that I am scared by them. But, then, I am tougher than most.
I don’t know if this was necessarily meant to be a horror film either, but it is a 4 star film all the way. You will be very, very disturbed by certain parts of this one. His girlfriend’s creepy ass face (yes, she has an ass for a face) when he’s in the tub with the ice, the demons following him around; this film has it all. You may not even be able to handle it, pal-o.
1. Fire Walk With Me - This film is the conclusion to Lynch’s Twin Peaks series. I’m probably the only human being on the planet that would list this as the number 1 scariest movie ever, but, fuck ya’ll. If the scene with Bob in the girl’s room doesn’t give you a nightmare, you have no soul. Make no mistake- no one understands how to scare people within this medium better than Lynch. He has perfected it. Watch the mini series, then watch the movie, then buy me dinner and tell me I am your best friend. Good.
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