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Greatest Hits

Dan Traslavina Friday, March 14, 2008
I can finally concede my sanity is fading. My most recent delusion is that I think every woman customer service representative has the hots for me. I have a habit of making non-threatening quips that cause them to laugh and/or make a quip of their own. With this shell of comradery formed, I think they want to fuck me. It's pathetic. Lung cancer can't come soon enough.

Child support is the white trash lottery.

I wonder about people who repeat the same stories over and over again. Is it some kind narcissistic endeavor to hear themselves speak? Maybe it's a fear of forgetting that initiates this circular verbal dance. Shit, it could be that they actually forgot telling you in the first, possibly, tenth place. Lack of original thought? Drug induced brain malfunction? Whatever the fuck it is, stop. Not just for my sake (primarily), but for countless others that feel like their temporal lobes are eroding. Trust me, I'm not taking notes so I can produce the lowest rated A&E "Biography" ever.

Guys who wear button fly pants secretly want a vagina.

Cable networks like TBS, USA and TNT need to stop catering to white, single fat 35 year old women. Stop showing any movie starring Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Meg Ryan and/or Hugh Grant. Sad to say, but a cinephile like myself, has seen films with this quartet of vomit inducing overactors. They prey on the unrealistic dreams and feminine insecurities of the pathetic masses of yard sale shoppers. Trust me ladies. No handsome Yale graduate who's hero is their grandfather and has a fondness for children is going to sweep you off your feet and save you from working at the D.M.V. for the rest of your life. Get a Bowflex and sell yourself short like everyone else.

Schizophrenia usually becomes apparent in your 20's.

Everyone has that Shady Friend. He's the guy that says he'd never do cocaine, but secretly buys grams to get fat coke whores to blow him in his parent's basement. He's the guy that fucks the chick who's ex-boyfriend is a bi-sexual hemophiliac heroin addict and says to you, "But she's hot, dude". He's the guy that believes that his Jesus Fish atones for his sins of stealing his best friend's baseball card collection and refusing to pay for his ex-girlfriend's abortion. Fuck this guy. He's mildly funny, but he'll screw you over at the drop of a dime and usually gets you into situations where prison and/or an ambulence ride are highly probable. His counter parts equally in need of death sentences are the Born Again Virgins. Seriously ladies, we know you're full of shit. You've had more semen shot onto your stomach than Tera Patrick. No one wears that much blue eyeshadow and licks their lips that much has their cherry is still intact. The only people who believe you are your parents and they're in denial. Find a new racket, you sleeper cell of V.D.

It's been 5,972 days since Magic Johnson announced he had H.I.V.

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