I am a film snob. I hate every stupid movie that you love. You really don’t know shit about movies, do you? Well luckily for you, I do. So for the benefit of your miserable little life, here are the top 10 mainstream movies of all eras:
10. The Usual Suspects - Greatest twist ending ever, all star cast, and a great group of characters make The Usual Suspects one of the best mainstream movies of all time.
9. Casablanca - Humphrey Bogart was the original dude you just don’t fuck with. Awesome story, great cinematography, and a fantastic ending will have people touting this film as one of the all time greats for years and years to come.
8. The Big Lebowski - In my modest opinion, this is the best comedy ever. It’s extremely clever and witty, and aside from being genuinely hilarious, it also has a terrific story. This movie caused me to start drinking caucasians at 10 in the morning every day. It also contains the funniest car accident ever caught on tape. Another film with a ridiculous cast- “Nobody fucks with the Jesus.”
7. The Shining - Probably the scariest horror movie ever. Jack Nicholson, who probably isn’t much different from Jack Torrance in real life, is arguable the scariest human being on the face of the planet. I once stumbled into this film while tripping on mushrooms during the scene where Jack is chasing Danny through the maze calling his name- let’s just say I had to immediately leave the room.
6. Schindler’s List - I love Liam Neeson, but it always seems like he dies about 15 minutes into every film he’s in. Not this one- maybe I’m biased because I’m a big Jew, but if you don’t cry while watching this movie then you’re just going straight to hell. (Jews don’t believe in hell)
5. Shawshank Redemption - I really don’t like Stephen King, so why the hell am I putting 2 movies on this list that came from his fucking books? God I hate myself.
4. Psycho - My favorite director, the most imitated talent in all of film’s history, Mr. Alfred Hitchcock, created this masterpiece. The shower scene displays his mastery of lighting and camera work, and the film just overall kicks your ass, Eli Roth, you talentless hack. C’mon Tarrentino, you made Pulp Fiction, please don’t put your name on a crap-fest like hostel. Sorry for going off on a tangent, Alfred- you truly are the King of Kings.
3. Star Wars - Changed “movies” forever- the reason this movie was so great, aside from the ahead of their time special effects, was the heretofore unknown cast, led by Harrison Ford, who was just so fucking charismatic that I almost threw my panties at the screen. Not every movie needs a big name to sell it. Try using actors that can actually act- Samuel L. Jackson should not be in any Star Wars movie! Before George Lucas became a huge useless moron who made 3 of the turdiest pieces of shit ever, he actually made some unbelievably awesome stuff. What happened to you Lucas?
2. The Godfather Part II - Robert De Niro is the man- this is clearly the best Godfather movie, although the first one was great too. This is what you call a true masterpiece. Shout out to the Godfather of the Jewish Mafia, Mr. Mo Green!
1. The Wizard of Oz - Shut up! This movie was released in 1939, in Technicolor! And it links up to Dark Side of The Moon- at least if you’re a no good dirty hippie! Seriously though, watch any other movie from the 1930s or 40’s and tell me it’s as entertaining as The Wizard of Oz- the film is just timeless.
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