I’m tough. Real tough. Tougher than that “Hangin’ Tough” song, and that “Tough Enough” song too. But some of the guys listed below are even tougher than me (barely). Here they are, in order, for your enjoyment:
10. Bobby Knight - Bobby Knight must have been beaten every day of his life during his first 18 years. He just comes across as one of those people who was persistently kicked in the ribs while trying to sleep. Knight might be the only basketball coach who has been known to consistently make grown men cry like little bitches.
9. The Tough Guys - Forget the Crips and the Bloods, the Hells Angels, the Italian Mafia, and any other notorious street gang or organized crime syndicate you may have heard of. The Tough Guys was a crew of really tough guys who went to Walt Whitman High School in the late 90s. With names like Cue-Ball, Sally Bananas, and Galdwin, these were people you just didn’t screw around with. Trust me- there has never been an army on earth who could have taken out this gang; just ask the Godfather.
8. Zeus - After almost killing Hulk Hogan in “No Holds Barred,” they made him lose to the Hulkster to save his image. But in real life, Zeus would have beat the shit out of Hulk, and then beat up his little son too. That’s just how Zeus gets down.
7. Officer Styles - Three time champion of the Best Triceps in Huntington contest, Officer Styles is a bloated, angry man who doesn’t take shit from no one, mostly. He used to have a fruity little dog, and then it died, so now he got a new fruity little dog. Cheers, brotha.
6. Mike Tyson - He’s not the best boxer ever by a long shot, but he is the only boxer who would mercilessly beat an innocent elderly person for accidentally glancing at him the wrong way. If some old white dude didn’t transport him upstate in his early teens Tyson would have probably killed at least 83 people by now. You’d be one of them.
5. Genghis Khan - Khan was a bloodthirsty warrior from the long, long ago when the leader of a nation or empire had to actually throw down and kill mad people. He did so without hesitation. He killed a shitload of foes by breaking down their shitty wall and pillaging. He did it his way.
4. Frank Dux - Not the real guy, but the one played by Van Damme. No one seems to know if the real Dux is actually a true badass, but the one in the movie definitely was! You can bet your sweet ass that Chung Lee regrets beating up that ugly biker guy who Dux loved so dearly. Not so pretty anymore, Chung!
3. Bruce Lee - Chung Lee’s older brother, clearly, as they have the same last name, Bruce Lee, contrary to popular belief, was actually a real person. And he kicked ass every day of his life. Plus his hair was awesome.
2. Martin Strel - You probably don’t know who this is, but the guy swam the Amazon River for Zorgo’s sake. The same Amazon River that’s filled with sharks, piranhas, and tiny microorganisms that get into your dickhole and cause horrible pain and scariness. If you ever see the documentary on this swim you’ll realize that Strel is a far tougher human than you or I, but especially you.
1. Begby - Ok, Begby isn’t real. But he is tough. Don’t fuck with him or he’ll shove a broken glass into your neck and he’ll enjoy doing it. Great character from 2 of the best novels ever written, Begby will beat or kill anyone who he feels like beating or killing, (depending on his level of anger directed at you), and no one can do a damn thing about it. Never insult Rod Stewart if you should find yourself in this fictional character’s presence. Also, stop doing acid if you find yourself in this fictional character’s presence. Or shrooms, or whatever the hell it is you’re on, hippie.
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